


Letters to You

by stevexnatasha



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Romance, Steve Rogers Feels, romanogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-03-29 12:29:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19019953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevexnatasha/pseuds/stevexnatasha
Summary: After the death of Natasha, Wanda suggests that Steve writes everything he is feeling inside a notebook to help him cope with the loss of the woman he loves, or, loved.





	1. Page 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never really written a fanfic before and I'm not that good at writing but whatever. I hope you like it :) <3

Natasha,

It’s been four days without you. Wanda suggested that I write what I’m feeling in this notebook. Apparently it helps with the grieving process. She told me she did this after Pietro died and she’s doing it again to help with the loss of Vision. I know you won’t be able to read anything that I write, but...I don’t know, I guess I could use any help I could get I suppose.

After everyone was brought back I used the time travel again to bring the stones back to where they were right before we took them. It was difficult, especially when I had to return the soul stone. I don’t remember much of what happened, my head was clouded, and my thoughts were all over the place. I never thought that I would lose you, or Tony. No one did. I tried to bring you back Nat, I really did. So did Bruce. 

I’m sorry that we never got the chance to live a life together. I remember when I first met you, on the helicarrier back in 2012. You were so beautiful. You always have been. I wasted so much time and I’m sorry. It’s not fair. I know that you’re not really dead. There’s just no way that you’re really gone, it’s not possible. There is always another way, I won’t give up.

Love, Steve


	2. Page 2

Natasha, 

It’s been six days without you. I had Hank make more of the Pym particles, and I tried time traveling again, even though Bruce and Scott told me it wasn’t a good idea. I went to Vormir , and tried to bring you back to me, to us, to everyone. It didn’t work obviously, as I’m still writing in this damn notebook.

I’m so angry with myself. I should’ve just--I’m so angry. I should’ve gone to Vormir with you, instead of Clint. ~~Maybe you shouldn’t have gone to Vormir at all. Why did you even volunteer to go to Vormir when there was so many other options, places, you could’ve went to? Did you know what was going to happen on Vormir? Is that why you went? You wanted to kill yourself was that it? Disappear? Without even saying goodbye? Is that what you wanted to do?~~

It’s been a week without you, Nat. Sorry I didn’t get to finish the last letter, message, whatever Wanda calls it. Bucky noticed that I was getting increasingly angry and so he took me with him to visit Morgan and Pepper. Morgan wonders when she’s going to see you again. She thinks you and Tony are hanging out together on a vacation on an island with fluffy clouds and racecars. When I arrived at their house, Morgan ran up to me and asked me if I’ve visited Auntie Nat and her daddy. I picked her up and gave her a huge hug, but I didn’t answer her question. I didn’t tell her anything. I couldn’t bring myself to. She then ran to Bucky and started braiding his hair.

Pepper on the other hand, isn’t doing so well. Neither am I. In fact I don’t think any of us really are. Pepper is holding on though, she’s strong but, I could tell she’s not really okay. We talked for a little bit at the dinner table while we were waiting for the pasta to finish cooking. She misses Tony, deeply misses him, I could see the pain and loss within her eyes as she spoke. I’m sure I looked the exact same when I started talking about you.

It’s almost midnight so I’m going to go to sleep. I hope you’re okay, wherever you are.

Love,  
Steve


	3. Page 3

Natasha,

I miss you. I miss your voice, your eyes, the way you would smile every time you looked at me. I miss everything about you. These three weeks haven’t gotten any easier. It’s so different without you around. It’s as if I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have Bucky, Sam, and others, but it’s not the same. I miss talking to you. I miss having you around all the time. 

I took you for granted. I didn’t appreciate you enough, and I know that now. You were always there for me when no one else was. After everything with Thanos happened and everyone disappeared, you were always there. I shouldn’t have left the compound. I should’ve stayed with you. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry.

I wish you were here, you shouldn’t have gone to Vormir. If I knew what was going to happen I would’ve stopped you. 

I can’t believe the last thing you said to me was “see you in a minute.” You had this huge smile on your face and I will forever remember that. I should’ve said something back to you, instead I just smiled. I’m so stupid. In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m writing at this point. I guess whatever comes to mind. 

I remember before all of this happened, back when we were on the run, I almost told you that I was in love with you. I’m not sure if you knew what I was going to say, but I have a feeling you did. I should’ve just told you then. Instead I waited. 

I told you I loved you exactly 27 days ago, a few days before we time traveled. You were stunned, I could tell, but then you put your hand on my cheek and kissed me. It was brief, but I will forever remember it. You told me that we will continue whatever was happening after we brought everyone back. I wish you were here with me right now sitting right next to me in a chair beside this desk. I wish I was holding you in my arms. I wish I could tell you how much I love you, again and again.

I hope you’re okay.

Love,  
Steve


	4. Page 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahah I just realized I forgot to say that in this fanfic, Steve never went back to Peggy, but I’m sure everyone has already figured that out. :)

Natasha, 

Exactly a month had passed since I lost you. Since we all lost you. I miss you so much, everyone does. Yesterday I visited Wanda at Clint’s house. She’s been staying there with him and Laura. And the kids of course. Clint isn’t handling everything so well, neither is Laura, but they’re hanging in there. Clint told me Wanda’s been in her room for two and a half days straight, almost three, not wanting to come out. 

After I greeted Clint and everyone else, I went straight to Wanda’s room. I wasn’t expecting it to be your old room. The one that you stayed in whenever you visited the Barton family. It was mostly Wanda’s stuff, but there was a small box in the corner with all your stuff in it. I asked Wanda if I could take it home with me; she said yes. 

Wanda isn’t doing so well. She’s devastated over Vision. I could tell she’s trying to be strong, she knows that Vision is proud of her, but she just looked so sick. I told her that she needs to eat and that she has to take care of herself. She promised that she would, but of course I don’t know how that’s going to work out, considering that when I told you to do that, you didn’t. 

I’ll take care of Wanda, I know how much you cared for her. But I have to take care of myself first, so that I could take care of others. Don’t worry, Laura promised me she would make sure Wanda eats and takes care of herself. 

Love,   
Steve


	5. Page 5

Natasha, 

I'm sorry I haven't wrote in this notebook for a while. It's been about three months I think since you left us. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday I just sit here in my apartment thinking what I could have done to save you. You shouldn't have died. It should have been me. You deserved to be happy. You deserved to live your life freely without any regrets, just like you wanted me to do. I'm so lost without you. Everything is different, there's no purpose. 

All those years that we had together...all those times where I could have told you how I felt, why didn't I tell you? Why did I have to wait until a few days before time traveling? I should've told you sooner. Maybe it could have prevented all of this. Maybe you wouldn't have gone with Clint to Vormir. Maybe I could have gone with you to Vormir instead of Clint, and jumped off that cliff myself. I thought for sure you would come back. I thought for sure none of us were going to, well, you know. 

I miss you. I miss you all the time. Every second, every hour, it just never seems to stop. The world keeps turning, yet it feels like I'm still in the same place every single day, thinking the same exact thing, never ending. That you should be here. That you should be here with me, with Clint and his family, with Wanda, with everybody that you loved. You deserved to experience happiness and I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you. 

When I returned the time stone in New York a few months ago, I saw you. I saw us fighting together, working alongside each other. That moment when you ran towards my shield and jumped off of it...that was the moment I knew that you were something else. Something good. Something brave. You have always been the best person I have ever known. It hurts knowing that you're gone. I wish I was able to bring you back. I really wish I could've. There's still bits of hope that shine through every now and then telling me that you're safe and alive somewhere and I just haven't found you yet, but I know deep down that it isn't true. I know that you're gone, I really do, but at the same time I don't. How are you gone? How did you leave? How did the world just take you away from everyone and everything in a split second? How were you there for one minute but gone the next? You were just there...and then you weren't. 

I'm going to sleep now, Natasha, because every time I sleep I dream of you.

Love,   
Steve


End file.
